Sunday, December 21, 2014

It has been more than a month already...
I have been thinking alot lately. My thoughts are coming to my mind more clearly this time. I start to question myself why do I love him? And deep inside me I know I love him because he is different from other guys. I like that he is different, this is why I love him. But over the years, I want him to change and asked him to go the places that he doesn’t like to go. I did not asks myself if ever one day he become like what I want him to be, will I still love him? The answer is no, I love the way he is. That is why I love him and wanting to be with him for the rest of my life. Why didn't I realize this earlier? Why now?

I really learned a lot this time; I also realize he kept trying very hard to help the relationship between me and my mother to be better. Every little thing that he did for me, I finally understand why and how he felt in the past. I am loosing hope in us, but now all I want to do is help him to walk out of these problems. All the problems that he is facing now and I believe the biggest problem he feel affected now is his family. I have a prefect boyfriend! He is close to a perfect! But because he is perfect, that why when he faced problem, he is lost.

I keep finding ways, keep reading those hurtful messages he send to me, just want to find out what exactly happen to him. After reading again and again, I feel that he is being too hard on himself. I don’t think he will forgive himself that he actually talked back. And the thing is no one blamed him, He thinks that his life is ruin after raising his voice back. But no one is blaming him; I only can let him know this. I am trying every way to hold his hands and guild him out this. As it’s not the end of the world. If he keeps being so hard on himself, he can’t move on.

He blamed me for letting his family know as it’s our problem, shouldn’t involve family. But I can’t control my tears when his mom asked. I walked away, even try to change topic, but I really can’t hold my tears. I really am sorry.

I make him hate his house; I make him run away from his peaceful home. I change him. I just want him to find his way home and to his parents and let him know that his family no one blame him. Everybody made mistakes. And when you are angry, you will say something that you don’t mean it. This is 人之常情。

I know he is hurt as he never felt that they will think of him that way. I know felt hurt that his family think badly of him. i totally understand that kind of feeling as i always felt this way when i am at home. How i wish i can let him know that NO ONE BLAME HIM! my family love him so much, and his family knows and believe their son will never shout at them, they already know is they misunderstand him. but all i can say is, we cant ask his father to say sorry to him. so he have to walk out.

Anyway these are my points of view. As I really don’t know what exactly happen to him. Based on the messages he sends me, what he told me over the phone, and based on about 7 years knowing him, I think he is angry himself; blame me for giving him these problems.

For us, I really put us aside. As now I really want to solve their relationship. He told me, being with me he is not happy at all. He says I am the fire, he was burned badly and he will never come back to me. He also told me all the things that I can give, he doesn’t want. I was with him when he sick and every growing stages he been through. He says he can be alone, he don’t need me. Even if I changed he doesn’t have to accept me. I don’t know he meant it anot or he is just too angry at that point of time. But I take it! As I know I need to reflect myself, what have I done wrong.

I know I did not give him the respect that he wants. I am being too straight forward, selfish and childish. As I think my family or friends will end up saying me as my bf is always right. But I NEVER did that infront of his family and friends. Which mean I know how to respect people, just that when I with my family, I kept thinking even if I shout at him, it will end up me who get scolding. I’m childish.

My temper is being with me for 20 over years. I can’t say I will change and it will change overnight. Yes, I with him for almost 6 years, I did say I want to change but, I did try to talk to him nicely instead of shouting. I did try to change, I don’t know whether he ever notice it. If mean nothing to me, i wont bother to change myself to be a better person to be with him. i avoid keep going night places, did he ever notice it? i avoid going out with people he don't like as i think those friends are not my friends. i did not change? hiaz.... I know he give me a lot of chances, and everytime he tells me things, he will end up say never mind, is okay. I really thought is nothing as I really thought he accepted me, like I accepted him. His intention is don’t quarrel, don’t fight he just want peace. I know…

The only things that I disagree are he thinks I hate his cousin and he say I never treat him good. Whenever he needs me, just normal daily routing things like packing his bag, help him buy clothes or jus small little little things. I am there! I am always there! About his cousin I don’t wish to explain any further, as long as deep in my heart I know I did not hate him. And if he ever leave me because he is not happy and say I did not treat him good, I will have to let go. 我真的问心无愧。

One thing that we are in common is we always give each other our NEEDS, instead of our WANTS. Which means, he WANTS me to give him respect don’t shout at him. He doesn’t need me to buy stuff for him. But I just neglected his wants. I simply focus on what he NEEDS and what I WANT. For him, he did the same thing as well. He focuses on the NEEDS that I needed, like he try many ways to solve my problem with my family but all I WANT is to run away to a place, I want to go his house. These are the reason why we always thought that we don’t appreciate what we both are doing. It’s because we both focus on our partner NEEDs. For me, I give whatever I can give, and I will keep telling him what I want. This is why he always thinks that I 嫌弃他。But for him he seldom focuses on what he wants, he doesn’t say much. That is why I neglected his wants. I hurt his pride and ego. But one thing I know for sure is we both care for each other more than ourselves. All this happen, because we love each other. We have to learn to give and take. We both like to give… I am really sorry I neglected his wants. Hiaz I am sorry.

My family loves him, everyone loves him… And I love him. I can’t just let go because I and the one made mistake. I just hope he can don’t take it too hard on himself. I just want to know what exactly happen to him? If the problem is just me, I already know my mistakes; I got all the cold shoulders from him… But his family side, all I can say is no one, NO ONE blame him, no matter what he is still his son, just hope he can don’t be so hard on himself.

I really want to know what happen to him, 6 years of relationship, am I that bad to receive all this? i know i deserve it if not i will not learn, but am i that bad? have i done something very unforgivable? He is more like my husband than boyfriend. He is more like my family, and my Sims family treats him as ONE. We are like family, family don’t just walk away like this.

I hope Christmas I can spend with him, I hope everything can be over, I will hold his hand and walk him out, don’t let him face any problems.

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