Saturday, November 29, 2014

Happy 5 years 10 months Anniversary

Things did not get better, but it gotten worst. I push him to his limit... I really doubt we can get back together.

Doesn't mean you say everything out means you are right. Doesn't mean you are straight forward is a good thing. Yes, till now I’m 23 years old I realize this. All along, I tot I am just being honest, straight forward is a good thing. I never think before I say, what I feel like saying, I say it out. And of cos, I think he already accepted me being like this and I also think I did nothing wrong. 

Everybody have their limits. but I tot he accepted me, he knows I am like this, just like I know he is like this, but my heart I still have him even I’m being mean to him sometime. 

Accept means he already accepted you and everything about you.
Endurance will always hit a limit. 
Give in to me will also hit a limit.

Now then I realize that. it is not his fault to endure me, it’s mine because I did not give him the respect that he needed, I purely think that I’m being me, nothing wrong. I feel so remorseful. Yes, being myself is not wrong, but the way I am I react when things happen are totally wrong. 

I have to face this no matter how hurtful it is. No matter how hurtful I am, I need to face this. I hurt him too much. I make a nice and peaceful guy become like this. All this years, he is not happy when he is with me. The way I treated him is not what he wanted. He want peace, he is a simple guy but...... hiaz....

I learned this when I’m being with him. I always tried so hard to tell him what I want, and the good that I can give him are what I want him to give me, but it's not what he wanted. As time goes by, I have learned, doesn't mean the way he treated me is not what I wanted mean he did not treat me good. So I learned to accept him, try not to think so much when he can't do this for me.
But one bad things about me is I will keep tell him, nag at him. This is why he always thinks that I am creating problems again.

My anger is always the problem. I can’t handle my anger. Now that I learned, I read about it, ask around and listen more. Anger is not by words is also not by action. It’s also something that not you say you can change and you will change. First, you have to change your mind, your mind-set. The way you think of it when you face the problems. Don’t keep thinking of winning, think of is this worth it to argue? It is worth it to be angry? How you can hurt someone’s feeling? Being angry, can you solve this? I admit, in the past I always think that I’m angry, because I am angry, and he did wrong things. I never thought of my words can hurt him so badly.

I’m really very lost and guilty right now. All I know is I cannot lose him. He is someone who can make me sit down and think of our future, and i willing to do anything to be a better person. I willing to change my temper, but honestly, I lost my confidence. I don’t even know I can win this fight. But all I can believe is, I am willing to change, there is nothing calls too late if I am willing to change. I really am sorry…

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